To our readers:
Today’s Ask Priscilla Advice Column is directed at several readers who have written to me with a similar problem. And, I’m guessing, concerning the same person! I’ll try my best to help them all.
~ Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
My boyfriend and I just broke up, but he left most of his things in my small studio. He says he’ll bring them home one at a time, because (in his words) “I need one hand to hang onto the ladder, duh!”
Look, he built that stupid tree house, so that’s HIS problem. And it’s one of the main reasons, other than that he never puts the toilet seat down, that I broke up with him. Like I mean, YOU try coming back to that little tree house at 3 am, drunk and stoned, and after climbing up that ladder you find a raised toilet seat just when you need it. Someone’s gonna get hurt, but it won’t be me again!
What can I do to get him to get his stuff out of my place?
Signed, Up to My Ears in Sh#t
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Dear Up to My Ears,
Here’s my advice. It’s not that I’ve been ‘around the block’ a lot, but I do have some experience in this matter. I found that every time I broke up with a guy and I wanted his stuff gone, I just dumped it all onto the sidewalk with a sign that said “Free Stuff”. Half of the guys got the message and came for their things, but the other fifteen or twenty never even bothered.
Try that tactic on Mr. Toilet Seat.
~ Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
My new boyfriend takes me to his place for the first time (third date, wink wink). But when we get close to his house, he asks me if I’m okay with heights. Which I am definitely NOT! So I says to him, “Eww, yuck!”
So he says, “I don’t think this relationship is gonna work.”
And he goes into his tree house — a freakin’ tree house! — and that’s the last I seen of him. I really got no idea what I did wrong.
Please help!
Signed, Vertigo Valerie
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Dear Vertigo,
Your boyfriend was speaking in metaphors (or was it an analogy? I get them confused).
“Heights” is a metaphor for the apex of erotic ecstasy. He was asking you… you know… that thing.
You turned down his amorous advances when you so eloquently said, “Eww, yuck.” Accept that this is all your fault, you’re a bad person, and move on.
~ Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
I met this great guy Jason at a party two nights ago, and he asked me to go home with him. I usually don’t do things like that. At least, not very often. Yeah… well.
Anyway. So off we went!
We got to his house. I say “house” but it was really some kind of a little tree hut, up in a tree! He wanted me to climb this ladder. No guy has ever asked me to do that! I told him hell no. I’ll do anything but I won’t do ladders.
So like I was left alone at the bottom of the ladder while Jason went up to his tree hut. Alone.
I sorta like the guy, but I think I blew my chances with him. What should I do?
Signed, Lonely Down Here
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Dear Lonely,
I’m beginning to see a pattern. Boyfriend, ladder, tree house… interesting.
Nope, you don’t have a chance. You blew your opportunity, honey. Jason is looking for a trapeze artist, not a landlubber.
Take my advice and date a ‘down to earth’ kind of guy. Like maybe someone who lives in a Yurt.
~ Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
My sorority sister introduced me to a nice looking guy yesterday. Yeah, I thought he was pretty cute, so when he suggested that we go to his place to listen to some music I said, “Sure! What could go wrong!”
Well the first thing to go wrong was this ladder that I had to climb up just to get into his tree house. Like, who has a ladder?
But I made it on up to his house, which was really…. interesting? Sparse.
Then he turned on his Spotify playlist of Wayne Newton singing. I looked at him and said, “This is a joke, right?” Like who listens to Wayne Newton?
Next thing I knew, I was climbing DOWN the ladder.
How do I avoid jerks like this in the future?
Signed, Ima Dope
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Dear Ima,
I bet that guy’s name is Jason. Am I right?
Here’s what you should ask the next guy you fall for before you go running off to his love nest…
“What, if anything, should scare me about you?”
Often they’re honest. Like, “I have a bad temper.” Or “I’ve got no job.” Or “I live in a tree and listen to Wayne Newton .”
You need to watch out for yourself, sweetie. You just can’t fall for a guy because he’s cute or funny, just to find out he’s worse than all the other guys you dated.
I sure found that out the hard way!
~ Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
Everyone tells me I should find a nice boy and settle down. Because after all, next year I’ll be twenty-one and past my prime. I’m worried that if I don’t find a husband soon it will be too late. My mother says I can’t just keep going on winning beauty pageants all my life.
Men are always asking me out, and I’ve had a ton of rich boyfriends. But I want to find someone “special”. And so when I heard of this cute guy who lives in a tree I thought, “Wow! That’s awesome! I’d love to meet him.”
Would it be rude of me to climb up his ladder and knock on his door?
Signed, Miss Alabama ‘21
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Dear Alabama,
Wow! You have some nerve talking to me about being past your prime. I’m pushing forty, the bloom is off the rose, and I’m still writing this dumb column answering stupid questions from bimbos like you.
Yeah, sure. Go climb up that ladder. Whatever.
~ Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
I’m a guy who’s having problems with my love life. It’s not that I’m unattractive. I’ve been told I’m very handsome. But I meet a lot of good looking girls and things go great at the beginning, then go real bad really fast.
They seem to be very interested in me until I invite them to my house. Which, I admit, is a bit out of the ordinary.
I’m six foot two, good looking, I work out, I drive a Maserati, and I’m rich. Very, very rich.
I don’t get it. Please tell me what to do.
Signed, Up In The Air
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Dear Jason,
Here’s my number. Call me.
~ Priscilla
ps. I’m okay with lounge music.