My French language skills are just a little bit better than they were when I studied it in high school, but not by much. I love the language. I love speaking it. I just wish that I had become fluent in it instead of constantly saying the wrong words and not understanding the native speakers. I actually sound quite good, until my vocabulary runs out.
I always thought it was funny — “un peu drôle” — that when I said I didn’t understand something that was said in French, that person would repeat it word for word, just a little slower and a lot louder.
French Person: “Ton chapeau brûle!”
Me: “Je ne comprends pas.”
French Person: “Ton… Chapeau... Brûle !!!!”
By then, a lot of damage can be done by a hat that’s on fire.
I would end up nodding my head in agreement like a bobblehead doll, hoping that was appropriate. Which it wasn’t, and I ended up embarrassing myself even further.
I had visited France once where I was staying with a group of French friends. One of them had a lovely house in the country where we stayed for a few days. They were all exceedingly kind and gracious to me, despite my inability to speak coherently. We were enjoying each other’s company. Or at least I theirs.
One afternoon, as we were preparing for the lunchtime meal (“le grand repas”), one of the friends asked me what I would like in my Salade Lyonnaise. On the serving table she had set out several bowls, each with a different salad ingredient. There were bowls for the lettuce, cucumbers, sliced onions, olives, bacon, raisins and another bowl for the croûtons.
“Que veux-toi dans la salade?” she asked me. I knew enough to know she was asking what I wanted in my salad. But I didn’t know enough to say “concombre” or “oignon émincé” or “raisins secs”. So I simply said that I would like some croûtons. Croûton is a French word that we use in English, so I was sure there would be no problem. Easy, “facile”. I would like my salad avec croûtons, please.
Except that when I asked for croutons, I mispronounced the word. Instead of saying, “Je voudrais des croûtons,” what I said was “Je voudrais des crottins.”
Crottins, Croûtons. Not a big difference really. Except if you’re French. For while “croûtons” are tasty cubes of toasted bread, “crottins” are smelly piles of horse poop. I had just asked for horse poop in my salad. And I couldn’t understand the look or surprise and confusion on my host’s face.
Now you would think that if a Frenchy offered a salad to an American who speaks little French but who is trying very hard to understand and be understood… you would think that the Frenchy would cut the American a little slack. Maybe that Frenchy should try to figure out exactly what he means, instead of announcing to everyone that the American just asked for horse poop in his salad.
And it went downhill from there. The other French people gathered around and asked “Why on earth would someone ask for horse poop in an otherwise perfectly good salad? Is that what Americans prefer?”
Finally, Pierre or Jules or Hervé or whatever his damn name was finally realized what had happened. He saw the bowl of croûtons and made that brilliant connection with the word crottins. What a genius.
“Oh mon dieu!” Einstein said. “Ze Américain, he uh, made a, comment dit-on?… a mistake. Un grand faux pas!”
The others hadn’t caught on yet.
“…il veut dire croûtons, pas crottins!”
“Oh! Ooh La La!” I imagined they said, which is what I think all French people say all the time. “Ooh La La!”
Then they all broke into uproarious laughter. Not the quiet, polite kind of laugh when you think it was so cute that someone made a silly little mistake. No… this was that throaty, ‘from the belly’ laughter that even looks, smells and sounds French. “Haw, haw, haaaaaw! Oh mon dieu! Haw, haw, haaaaaw!”
I only nodded when they tried to explain to me the difference between toasted cubes of bread and horse poop, for though I didn’t understand their words I certainly took notice of their “attitude insultante”.
“Oh you silly Américains. Tout le monde knows you can’t eat horse poop.”
“Haw, haw, haaaaaw! Oh mon dieu! Haw, haw, haaaaaw!..Ooh La La!”